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Lou:
A fruit desert, Bernie offers,
Now what on earth is that?
Cactus maybe? Kind of sticky.
And maybe it's non-fat?
Miss Poo:
The fruit desert
Bern offers
So delicately put
He learned it from
the Bedouins
It means- a
coconut
It was some years
ago now
When he was in the
war
He got lost in the
desert
His camel could go
no more
Some traveling
Bedouins found him
Gave hospitality
Filled him full of
camel milk
And nutritious
cactus tea
For years he
wandered round with them
Became one of the
tribe
Learned to horse-
ride bareback
And with gun
respond to jibe
He slept at night
beneath the stars
Wrapped up inside
his tent
His trusty camel
by his side
That's how his
days were spent
Bernie:
He tired of the camel soon
And longed for
someone new
A caravan was
passing by
He thought then
what to do
They had for sale
some female slaves
An English lass be
bought
Her eyes were
slinky like a fox
And tricks she
could be taught
In bed she warmed
his desert night
And made him
veggie food
She tried
composing poetry
But her attempts
were crude.
Miss Poo:
It's true that in
the desert
The choices, they
are few
So Bernie like the
male he is
Just did what he
should do
So when that
caravan passed by
He bought the
English lass
He thought he'd
cracked his problem but
Some strange
things came to pass
He forced this
slave to warm his bed
'Twas cold, the
desert night
But when he tried
to warm himself
He suffered quite
a fright
Those merchant
caravanners
Arabians, were bad
The English lass
they sold to Bern
Turned out to be a
lad
Of course the lad
was willing
That's how he had
been trained
But give ole
Bernie credit
From this he sure
refrained
The lad then
sulked and in a rage
Said, 'You've no
rhyme or meter
Stop trying to
compose that stuff
For camel dung is
sweeter'
Well, Bernie was
dismayed alright
He really felt
downhearted
He packed his
things up in a bag
Took camel, and
departed
He journeyed
onward through the night
Then came to an
oasis
With coconuts and
figs galore
Bern thought "this
is a basis
Requirement of all
I need
Fresh water and
good food"
So saying that, he
settled down
And so lifted his
mood
Bernie:
Oasis life was
lonely
No woman there for
me
In time it was too
boring
Just talking to a
tree
A Sultan and his
harem
Just happened to
stop by
He said he had a
discard
I might give her a
try
So what the Hell,
I'm desperate
A "ship in any
storm"
I took the discard
he called "Poo"
To keep my blanket
warm.
Shelby:
The oasis he
found, ole Bernie thought,
his troubles might assuage.
But alas, the oasis proved to be
nothing but a mirage.
Ole Bern was getting restless, so
he thought he should move on.
He packed his tent and all his gear
and he was gone by dawn.
Ole Bernie liked to move around,
because he was a nomad.
To stay too long in any spot
would tend to make hm go mad.
He craved excitement, and he thought
He’d always find it soon.
“the sand was always brighter
on the other side of a dune.”
Riding on that camel made
his ancient butt get raw.
He looked out over the sea of sand
and what do you think he saw?
Poo:
Bern looked around
the sea of sand
Just as the sun did rise
A Sultan and his Harem came
In view, to Bern's surprise
He made obeisance 'cos he feared
Maybe his head would fall
To his surprise a Eunuch came
Invited him to call
To take tea with the Sultan
While the Caravan did rest
The Sultan was a jolly bloke
Who loved to laugh and jest
Had been to school in England
Was Eton educated
To play a joke on Yankee boy
He now felt obligated
While Bern sipped tea and sat crosslegged
The Sultan waved his hand
Dancing girls appeared and swayed
To music from a band
That had appeared from nowhere
Of course Bern never knew
That Sultan was a bosom pal
Of sultry WitchyPoo
Then Bern said he was lonely
The Sultan shook his head
My friend I have a gift for you
To warm your lonely bed
Just then the curtains parted
And a female form appeared
Draped in veils from head to toe
She looked a little weird
The Sultan smiled and said to her
"My dear, now we must part
Here is your new master on
Whom you may ply your Art"
The female curtsied deep and low
Then whispered in his ear
"You are a wicked man my friend
We'll meet again next year"
Bernie thought his luck had changed
He gathered figs and water
Then took her to his tent to see
Exactly what he oughta
He plucked the first veil from her arm
Then much to his surprise
The veil went flying through the air
Then wrapped around his eyes
He tugged at it and pulled at it
He could not pull it off
He ranted and he raved at it
Then heard a discreet cough
"Oh Master I am ready
I'm here for your delight
All my veils have fallen
I have left them off this night"
At this Bern was excited
But still he could not see
He spread his arms and felt around
And groped a tall fig tree
And as he sat there moaning
All at once he knew
That Sultan played a joke on him
With his friend Witchy Poo...
Bernie:
A word about that
eunuch
The sultan called
him "Bubba"
He wore a Roman
tunic
His job, official
scrubber
When harem women
bathed
He stood by like a
dope
With scrub brush
in one hand
The other held the
soap
Bernie:
Then suddenly
there was a sound
A sputtering and
pop
A failing engine
of a plane
It soon came to a
stop
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A weary
pilot struggled out
While
gasping for some air
Bern
recognized the craft at once
Marine
Corp type Corsair |
A military plane
out here ?
At once his mind
it boggles
A leather helmet
on his head
Complete with set
of goggles
He said, "Ich
spreche Englisch hier"
At first he
thought he's German
But then he
said,"I'm Shelby, pal,
So don't you call
me Hermann !"
With not much
there to fix that plane
They sat beneath
the wing
Recalling how
their anthem went
They both began to
sing
Shelby:
They sang a couple
of bawdy tunes,
then warbled Auld Lang Syne.
“Bernie, you’re singing is way off key,
but it might improve with wine.”
Now that’s what Shelby said to Bern
as he climbed up on the wing.
He reached behind the seat and said,
“Here’s something to help you sing.”
“Much more so than a Boy Scout,
a Marine goes well prepared.
“This wine’s the remedy for your voice-
unless it’s too impaired. “
“At least, if I consume enough,
(and I think that I shall do so),
your voice will soon begin to sound
just like that guy Caruso.”
Bernie:
After singing one
more song
They talked of
what to do
Old Shelby's plane
was out of fuel
(with him that's
nothing new)
They said that
they must improvise
With what they
found right there
They'd have to
fabricate some fuel
To get back in the
air.
They picked a lot
of fallen dates
And squeezed out
all the juice
And looked around
to find a can
Which they could
put to use
They let the juice
ferment a lot
(from which they
drank a bit)
And turned the
rest to alcohol
That's what they
did with it
The engine started
up real fine
The plane was in
the air
And pilot Shelby
set the course
The weather, it
was fair......................
Bernie:
An Arab-looking
rider came
Upon a great white
steed
A robber from
Arabia ?
That's
something they don't need !
"Could that be
Lawrence come to help ?
Or does this man
look foreign ?"
It wasn't Lawrence
after all
It happened to be
Warren.
Warren:
EL WARREN OF
ARABIA is what the Arabs called him
They loved to see
him prance and strut his stuff
He liked to play
the hero but that war thing really galled him
He hoped that
Rommel never called his bluff.
Bernie: 
El Warren watched
their plane lift off
But feared the
"Desert Fox"
Still thinking it
was Rommel he
Would hide among
the rocks
But no one had
informed the man
That this one was
a "bird"
And that she was a
witch to boot
It seems he hadn't
heard.
Warren:
Behind those rocks
el Warren watched
The plane move out
of sight
And then his focus
shifted to
a bird in graceful
flight
It circled high
above him while
he looked on
dreamily
Its motion lulled
him fast asleep
Or so he seemed to
be
A rustling on a
nearby rock
awoke him from his
slumber
to see a gorgeous
femme fatale
just sweeping up
some umber.
Now where she came
from who can say?
She sure could use
that broom
He never did
suspect that day
he may have met
his doom.
Bernie:
"Just why ?" he
asks, "...she's sweeping here
This barren desert
land?"
It's going on for
hours now
He doesn't
understand.
He doesn't know
she broke the law
And that would
make him nervous
The sentence that
the judge decreed
A week community
service.
Shelby:
I had no sooner
taken off
in my ancient blue Corsair,
when I heard a sputter, and I found
I had no engine there.
I figured it out then I recalled
Ole Bern had peed in the can.
Why he did this I don’t know.
He should have used the sand.
So I landed wheels up, still intact.
I salvaged all my wine.
I took a compass reading east
and headed on that line.
After a while I noticed what looked
like a very large bird on a broom.
I do not know what happened next,
but I heard a very loud boom!
Poo-Bird:
On date juice they
were pickled
An alcohol-soaked
pair
They turned the
engine over and
Pronounced the
weather 'fair'
With date juice in
the fuel tank
Oil mixed with
Bernie's wee
Trouble stared
them in the face
They were too
drunk to see-
As always help was
close at hand
The 'bird' El
Warren sighted
Was Witchy flying
to the scene
To help- though
uninvited
She spotted Warren
on a rock
Zoomed down , "Hop
on" she cried
We've got to save
that drunken pair
They'll crash and
they'll be fried
So Warren leaped
upon the broom
And gripping with
his knees
Found zipping
through the air was fun
Adapted with great
ease
Witchy had a plan
it seemed
"We'll fly just
overhead
If you can fix a
line to them
We'll tow the
plane instead"
El Warren was a
man of steel
(It made the broom
quite heavy)
"Why yes" he said
"I'll play my part
But first I need a
bevy"
Witchy agreed and
there appeared
A schooner of fine
whisky
El Warren made
short work of it
(It also made him
frisky)
True to his word
he fixed a line
Tight to the
ancient craft
While witchy
zoomed and circled
Tow rope fixed
fore and aft
"Well now they're
safe they will not crash
The problem, I
declare
Exactly what to do
with them
We'll transport
them, But where?"
On and on for many
miles
This strange
convoy did fly
Bern and Shelby
fast asleep
Date juice the
reason why
El Warren leaned
far forward
Tapped Witchy on
the shoulder
"Don't wish to
complain Witchy but
It's getting much
much colder"
Just then they
came out from a cloud
The experience was
nice
But when they
looked all they could see
Below, was snow
and ice
"Oh goodness
gracious, dearie Me"
Witchy was heard
to say
"I've taken a
wrong turning and
We're flying the
wrong way"
"Unfortunately we
must land
I'm running out of
power
I need time to
recuperate
I'd also like a
shower"
They circled once
then landed
The old plane
landed too
Safely on an
iceberg-
Meanwhile the
drunken crew
Awoke and Bernie
looked outside
"Hey Shelby, we've
done swell
I think we have
crash-landed
But I'm sure we're
not in Hell"
Warren:
But then said Poo,
"This will not do
These men will soon be frozen
First knocking knees then as they freeze
They'll turn stiff while they're dozin'"
She still had service time to do
So touching up mascara
She crammed me in with those two drunks
And headed for Sahara.
Slid off the ice with plane in tow
And while we three were sleeping
She dropped us on a desert dune
And went back to her sweeping.
Bernie:
Meanwhile back
there in the desert
Things did take a
turn
Warren joined the
"daring duo"
I mean Shel and
Bern
Got the plane up
in the air
Fixed the radio
Tuned in an
emergency
Place they had to
go
There in Texas at
his ranch
Bubba's on the
spot
In the room that
he had built
Doors he put in
not
Locked inside, he
can't get out
Thirst and panic
loom
Lone Star beer,
there's none in sight
Not in that new
room.
Joyce did not know
what to do
Beer still in the
cooler
Bubba told her he
had goofed
Didn't want to
fool her.
"Tempus fidget"
Shelby said
(marines like
Latin words
Like Semper fi, a
thing they say
For all
you language nerds)
Bernie:
Witchy did her
service time
Had to follow soon
Finished sweeping
up the sand
Piled it in a dune
Shook whatever
sand that's left
From her trusty
broom
Saw the course the
plane had took
Then after them
did zoom...
Shelby:
We ran into Warren
in the hot desert sand
We revved up the plane and then soared
Bern sat in my lap, Warren clung to the wing,
We can say that we didn’t get bored.
We landed in Texas right near Bubba’s house
We heard that he was in trouble
Into a corner he had nailed himself shut
Now isn’t that just like ole Bubba.
I went for my axe, took it out of the plane
then picked up some good Lone Star Beer,
knocked a big hole in the side of the wall.
Semper fi, Bubba, cheer up, we are here
Lou:
Bubba was glad to
have that beer,
A mighty thirst he had,
But that big hole in the wall?
Well that just made him mad!
The least you coulda done there Shel
Was bring a proper saw,
Then you coulda measured out
A standard 3X7 foot door!
Bernie:
Old Bubba was
cranky and not his sweet self
His dilemma had
caused irritation
The fact that for
hours he couldn't drink beer
He had suffered
acute dehydration
His alcohol level
was fully restored
But with Shelby he
still was quite sore
He didn't approve
the location Shel picked
It was not where
he wanted the door
When we first had
arrived he was locked there inside
So we thumped very
hard on the wall
Bubba picked up
his hammer and tapped out a code
In Morse code; he
was too weak to call
Then we got us a
drill with a very long bit
Drilled a hole at
a 10 degree angle
Slipped a straw up
the hole kept the bottom end out
Put it deep in a
beer can to dangle.
They say if you're
drinking your beer through a straw
You can get an
immediate drunk
But our saving his
life took exception to that
We discussed it
and that's what we thunk.
Shelby:
Ole Bubba was a
bit put out.
He seemed a little vexed
That big ole hole there in his wall
should not get him perplexed.
We cut the jagged edges off,
from plywood shaped a door.
A bit uneven here and there,
but who could ask for more?
Ole Bubba thought he could, I guess,
so we gave him more beer.
In time his words were garbled,
so his gripes we could not hear.
But Bernie smashed his finger with
a hammer, and he swore
Some words that came forth from his mouth
I never heard before.
We eased his pain with Lone Star beer,
he passed out on the floor.
With Bern’s and Bubba’s mouths both shut,
we then had peace once more.
Bernie:
They weren't
"cuss" words Shelby heard
On that he was
mistaken
To think he heard
vulgarity
Had made him
somewhat shaken.
In truth they were
a sort of prayer
That Bubba would
be saved
Whoever thinks
that I would curse
That person is
depraved
The prayer was in
an ancient tongue
That Shelby never
heard
May lightning
strike me dead right now
On that you have
my word
My thumb is
swollen pretty bad
Get Lou ! You know
! the nurse
She better bring
some chicken soup
My thumb is
getting worse
Bubba:
Some bunch of
vandals ruint my wall
That I had built out here.
They beat it down with axe and maul
And force fed Lone Star beer.
I tried to stop 'em. Swore and cussed.
I stumbled toward my pickup.
But then I tripped and lay in dust
And all they heard was "hiccup".
Shelby:
Ole Bubba don’t
appreciate
what all we done fer him,
but after drinkin all that beer,
his think wuz fuzzy and dim.
Bernie heard his hiccup, and
he thought Bub wuz a chokin.
He turned ole Bubba on his back,
and then he started pokin.
He thought that he knew how to do
artificial respiration,
but Bubba spewed all over him,
and it wuzn’t perspiration.
Then Bernie said that “prayer” again--
the one in ancient tongue,
when he found Bubba didn’t have
congestion in his lung.
Shelby:
That no good, low
down, Texas ingrate !
That's the thanks
we get !
He'd still be
holed up in that room
And trapped inside
it yet !
We would have been
much better off
If we just
hadn't come
He could at least
have give us thanks
For sure he owes
us some.
Lou:
Instead of pouring
cold beer
Down poor Bernie's throat,
It woulda been a better idea,
(Gentlemen please take note!)
To put some cold stuff on his thumb,
Ice cubes or a pack of frozen peas.
Too late! But Bern, advice...here's some:
Soak in warm water, then take some zzzzzs.
Bernie:
We couldn't find
the frozen peas
Must find another
way
We cooked them up
with carrots, Lou
It must be
yesterday.
Diz:
Because the frozen
peas are gone
and all the cold
beer too,
it looks as though
our Bernie's thumb
will swell. Build
an igloo.
Bernie:
Denise,.... an
igloo is too hard
To build by this
old geezer
So I decided what
I'll do
Is sit inside the
freezer.
If that won't
bring the swelling down
I'll bang the
other thumb
Then both my
thumbs will look alike
A thought
that isn't dumb.
Poo:
Inside a freezer
do not sit
Your bum will get
chilblains
I think that I can
help you Bern
And ease away your
pains
You say an icebox
you can't build
Its something you
can't do
I'm thrilled that
I can help to
Put you in your
own igloo
The chill will
take the swelling down
As Lou so rightly
said
We'll leave you
there a little while
And try to keep
you fed
These days my
memory is poor
I find much to my
cost
I'll do my best to
recall where
I put you, else
you're lost....
Shelby:
Hey Lou, you got
your victims mixed.
You were right about Bernie’s thumb
It was self-inflicted by Bern, of course.
(and that was kind of dumb)
But it was ingrate Bubba, who
consumed almost a case
the reason, no doubt, for giving it back
right in ole Bernie’s face.
Bernie stuck his thumb into
some steamy fresh cow poo,
and as it turned out, that was just
the thing for him to do.
Diz, forget the igloo, cause
He will not need it now.
The thumb is back to normal with
the help of that nice cow.
Bernie:
It's true I do not
suck my thumb
Although I pick my
nose
And never, ever
touch the stuff
That gathers twixt
my toes
That old time cure
that Shelby knew
He knew from
Arkansas
I must admit it's
new to me
Ain't heard that
one before
I guess we're done
with Bubba's room
Move on to better
things
So we should find
it pretty quick
Before fat
lady sings.
We could go look
in garbage cans
To see what we can
find
The things that
people toss in there
Enough to blow
your mind.
I found a vacuum
cleaner once
And promptly did
repair
A piece of paper
clogged the tube
And also doggy
hair.
If something
doesn't work for them
They put it out
for trash
And everything
that I can find
Will save me
spending cash.
Now, don't go
saying I am cheap !
As you might do in
haste
It's that I'm
happy fixing things
And can't abide
the waste !
Lou:
The things he lets
us know,
About his daily life
You'd think he wouldn't show,
Nor even tell his wife.
I've heard of dumpster diving,
That winoes do 'round here,
It's their way of surviving,
They say it's warmer in there.
But collecting another's trash?
To save a buck or two?
You must be low on cash,
That makes me feel so blue!
If I had some money Bern,
I'd send it right to you,
I have the deepest concern
And for your dear wife too.
Lou:
Somewhere it says
that "One man's trash
Can be another's
treasure"
To rescue
something tossed away
Can give you so
much pleasure
That vacuum
cleaner that I found
Some woman threw
it out
She wanted one
that is brand new
That's what it's
all about
Americans are
wasteful folks
It's sad but it is
true
They'd rather
throw the old thing out
In order to buy
new
They think they're
moving up that way
And put themselves
in debt
Their credit
card has hold of them
And deeper in they
get.
The house I own is
free and clear
With both of us
debt free
So do not pity
what I do
It works real well
for me.
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